For a little over a year now I have struggled finding peace in Christ; the real peace, not the peace that is momentary, spontaneous, or worldly. There is peace that is fleeting; peace that can be found in your mother and father's arms, peace in a favorite hobby or talent you pursue, or peace in gaming and friends or even the peace of putting your hands to work.
But this peace does not endure. It was this kind of peace that I have been living with for the past year. It was never enough. The peace that comes from our Dear Savior, Jesus Christ, is joyous and everlasting. And this peace comes from having a knowledge that you stand with him, and can only be found through His perfect and infinite Atonement. I could not feel this peace because time and time again I was not willing to accept this merciful gift from our Savior. Too often I would have strong feelings of guilt and sorrow within me and I would KNOW I needed to do something about it. I knew I needed to bring my Bishop closer into my life to help me but I pushed thoughts away and shrugged off feelings again and again. I sought after peace of this world because momentarily, it helped me. And consequently, I was fooled. I lied to myself. And after lying to myself, it was easier to lie to my Bishop, my Stake President, and my family. So, I continued on my path towards a mission. And believe me, there were times that the spirit did touch me and teach me along my path but I had still not cleared up what needed to be cleared. As this lie became more deeply embedded into my heart, I began to believe things like "Once I get my call, I will feel peace." and "I just gotta push until I get on my mission, then I will feel renewed and will feel this peace." but this was a lie.
And I believed it.
Upon arrival at the MTC we had a devotional with the President of the MTC. This devotional was solely on repentance. The importance of repentance in everyone's lives but especially that of a missionary. The critical role that the sanctification of repentance plays in our duty in serving the Lord. And the dire need to ALWAYS have the Spirit with us. This I knew I did not have. My heart was pricked during this meeting. Unfortunately not enough to get me to act, but it was enough to get me to start thinking and hoping again. I started to see more and more how much of the Spirit I lacked because of this lie I had been believing. I started to realize how little my focus was on what REALLY mattered because of how shrouded my thoughts had become. Worry and fear came at me like a sucker punch. There was no way I could confess what I had done now. Not on the first day of my mission and certainly not while everyone at home is counting on me to be out here. But I began to pray more fervently at night and in the morning and all day long desperately hoping that I could feel forgiven. I began to read my scriptures like a nut. And listen to all kinds of Conference talks and anything and everything that could tell me that there was a way out of this that was not through confession. But everywhere I looked and studied had the same answer, Jesus Christ. The weight began to exponentially rise as I realized what this looked like for me. As this lie began to become unfolded in my heart, and I began to see the error in it, I saw two paths.
The Covenant Path.
The Strange Path.
There were only 2. There are only 2. And I saw them. And I was on the Strange Path. Yet fear still had the strongest grasp on me. I could not confess. So I held it in again. I pushed my way through the MTC. Feeling harrowed up and truly felt myself becoming more distanced from God, as I now saw the path to take, and did not take it.
Soon I was out of the MTC and headed to the the city of Ibiuna. The excitement of being a real missionary helped to push off these hard feelings once more. But as I began the work, I soon learned that this would have to become a 'barely surviving' experience. I did not have the spirit with me and very soon the excitement wore off and my thoughts fell back to my awful and sinful state. It was nearly impossible to be walking these streets, and up hills, and through the jungle, because of the immense amount of weight I carried.
But, I had found yet another thing to fuel my lie.
Yes things were very difficult, but we were having some rapid success. And I had felt that the language was also coming to me much quicker than it had to others. These 2 things that I had told myself were "success", were two things I had used to tell myself that in fact I was fine and that if I was in the wrong I would not be having this "success". How cunning the devil is! To trick me into thinking that success is the product of obedience. But no, I would now argue that hard work is what causes "success". Obedience does much more than provide success. True obedience changes individuals and helps us to come closer to God. This is the real success. But Satan had tricked me into thinking that obedience was the reason we were having "success" on the mission.
My first Friday on the mission, I woke up and exercised and got ready and started my personal study. I was in Helaman chapter 5. Yes, a wonderful chapter and we all know verse 12 but that was not the verse that changed the course of my life forever. We read in verse 6:
"Behold, my sons, I desire that ye should remember to keep the commandments of God; and I would that ye should declare unto the people these words. Behold, I have given unto you the names of our first parents who came out of the land of Jerusalem; and this I have done that when you remember your names ye may remember them; and when ye remember them ye may remember their works; and when ye remember their works ye may know how that it is said, and also written, that they were good."
Immediately upon reading this verse I thought of my name of course, Simon. Of course this made me think of another Simon who we learn about in the New Testament. Also know as Peter. For a split second my spirit took hold of my mind and said YES! This is your way out! I anxiously read all I could about Simon Peter. I read through the Bible Dictionary and through all the accounts in the New Testament. And you know what, Simon Peter was not perfect. I am not perfect. But Simon Peter ALWAYS turned back to the Lord. He was at times quick to forget and slow to remember. But that never stopped him from turning back to his Loving Lord Jesus Christ. As I thought these thoughts the softest and most still impression came upon me. "Then why aren't you turning back like he?"
And that was it.
That day I spoke with my companion and a few days following we met with President. Oh, the indescribable joy and peace that was found when I finally was turning back! It was not over then, this process of repentance, and it is not over now. But there is IMMEDIATE peace and joy when we turn back to Christ. I found out after 2 weeks of meeting with president and still being a missionary that I would need to come home for a period of at least 6 months to be able to truly change and become better suited for the Work of Salvation.
It is a hard road. And there is a lot of hard ahead. But that does not mean for me, that there is not peace and joy ahead as well. I am excited for what I am finally feeling. This grace of God and this song of Everlasting Love that I haven't felt in a long time. I am so grateful for my family. They have helped to ease this pain of coming back. They have accepted me with loving arms. But, I am most grateful for my Father in Heaven and his Beloved Son, Jesus Christ. They did not give up on me and they never will. They are the providers of my peace and happiness in this life. I look toward the future with Faith because I KNOW now where I stand. I feel this true Peace in Christ that I have been searching for.
And looking ahead in life, I know there will be other challenges and trials I am going to face. That is just what life is and that is why we are here. But in every scenario I will do my best, just as Simon Peter did, to turn back to the Savior. No matter the trial, difficulty, or consequence. Because truly, there is Peace in Christ.
So I will continue on in the Faith.
"We are all enlisted till the conflict is o'er; Happy are we! Happy are we!
Soldiers in the army, there's a bright crown in store;We shall win and wear it by and by. Haste to the battle, quick to the field;
Truth is our helmet, buckler, and shield. Stand by our colors; proudly they wave! We're joyfully, joyfully marching to our home."
Alegria marchando!
Elder Hixon
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